


Breathe No More

by KaedieNoonaWrites



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Alternate Universe - Idols, Angst, Angst and Feels, Character Death, Cheating, Complicated Relationships, Established Relationship, Lies, M/M, Smut, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2017-09-28
Packaged: 2018-12-26 12:07:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12058686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaedieNoonaWrites/pseuds/KaedieNoonaWrites
Summary: Eunhyuk loves Donghae so much, he would probably answer 'yes' to this question:"Is it possible to love someone so much that you would rather have him die by your own hands than to see him with someone else?"





	1. I've Been Looking In The Mirror For So Long

**Author's Note:**

> Due to the endless requests that I have been receiving on Twitter from former AFF readers who wanted to be able to read stories from one of my closest author friends, TheNarrator, and to have more EunHae fanfics here on AO3, I'm bringing some of her classics to this site.
> 
> Warning: NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. (Trust me, it took me a week to get over this story)
> 
> Original story [here](https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/45241/)

 

 

 

**_I’ve been looking in the mirror for so long, that I’ve come to believe my soul’s on the other side…_ **

“How did we end up like this?”, the man whispered softly to himself as he stared intently at his reflection on the tall mirror adorning the hotel room’s wall. That eerie silence was the only sound that was present as the agonizingly cold night progressed.

The man turned around, his back facing the mirror. He really couldn’t stand to look at that man in the mirror for another second. As the lifeless body of his lover lying on the floor came into his vision, he immediately felt sick to his stomach as the reality of what he had done finally sunk its teeth mercilessly into his very soul.

But he was feeling strangely calm, despite the constricting feeling of nausea that seared through his gut as he took slow steps towards his lover’s body. The knife he had been holding, blood dripping from the tip of the blade, suddenly felt like it was welded into his hand from how hard he was gripping it.

As he stood over the body of a man that he was once so sure he couldn’t live without, he really couldn’t think of any form of answer to his own question. He dropped the knife, causing it to make high-pitched clanging noise as it hit the marble-tiled floor.

He sat on his knees beside the body, his dark brown eyes carefully scanning the contours of that beautiful face. He was sure that he had never seen a man as beautiful as the one lying before him. That mouth, the one that always devoured his with such hunger, was now slightly agape with blood trickling from its side.

To him, it was still such a pretty sight, and he couldn’t help himself but to want to feel that mouth on his again. And he did just that, tasting a little bit of the blood in the process.

“I love you, Hae, I do. But you made me do this.”

Those words came so effortlessly out of Lee Hyukjae’s mouth, as he wondered to himself, asking the same question over and over again, ‘how did we end up like this?’.

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_(A Few Months Earlier)_

Donghae rolled over to lay on his back, his breath and heartbeat still racing from the aftermath of sex as Eunhyuk laid on his sides, observing that contented look his lover was supporting on his face. It was always the same look of pure pride and satisfaction, and Eunhyuk knew that he was supposed to be proud that he had managed to put that look on Donghae’s face every time they had sex. But he also knew all too well of what will follow after it. Predictably, Donghae quickly got up and sat on his side of the bed as he started putting his clothes back on, seemingly unaware that Eunhyuk’s heart immediately tore into a million pieces with every piece of clothing he put on. After tying his shoelaces carefully, Donghae walked towards Eunhyuk’s side of the bed, bending down to plant a kiss on his lover’s full pouty lips.

“It was amazing, Hyukkie, as always. I gotta go see a friend of mine, I’ll come home later tonight, okay? I love you.”  And with that, he left, not even bothering to wait for Eunhyuk to reply to him. But then again, Eunhyuk thought to himself, what’s new? He was no idiot, there was no ‘friend’, that much he knew. More like strings of cheap flirts and a possible one night stand if Donghae was lucky. He felt so much like a used Kleenex each time this happened in this past couple months. They would have sex, an amazing one at that, but Donghae always leave after it, always.

Where did the cuddling go? Where did those endless sleepless nights of talking about absolutely nothing go to? But there was never an answer to those questions, and Eunhyuk had run out of energy to even try to find it. He pulled the covers up to his chin, dry-swallow a few sleeping pills, and decided on sleeping to numb the annoying pain out. “I love you too, Hae”, whispered the young man as he tried to shut his eyes out. Those words might came a little late, but it still needed to be said. Although the object of those words themselves won’t even be aware that they were said.

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	2. The Little Pieces Falling And Shatters

 

 

**_Oh the little pieces falling, shatter… Shards of me, too sharp to put back together, too small to matter, but big enough to cut me into so many little pieces… If I try to touch him…_ **

 

Eunhyuk has no idea when his relationship with Donghae started unraveling, probably because it was never pronounced, never drastically happen. It was like a cancer, you don’t really know when it got to you but you know that you have it once you feel your body gradually gets damaged, wilted… and eventually die. And Eunhyuk was pretty sure that he was at least on the wilted stage. He already felt himself getting exhausted, exhausted of hoping, wishing and praying to his good Lord that Donghae will change back into the Donghae he had fallen hardly in love with.

Eunhyuk was raised to believe that prayer is sometimes the only thing you can count on when you need help. But he was never taught about what to do when the help never comes after he spent hundreds upon hundreds of minutes, even hours, on praying. Eunhyuk could only continue to become the ever so faithful lover as Donghae remains the newly-established ignorant, self-centered Donghae in the relationship that they had shared for at least 6 years. And there was almost nothing that Eunhyuk can do about it now, at least that’s what he thought, now that the prayers are near to being virtually useless.

This room Eunhyuk shared with Donghae never felt as deserted as it was that night as Eunhyuk continued to toss and turn in his bed, still pretty much in the same state as he was when Donghae left him. Hurt, sad, confused, and was wondering why Donghae hasn’t showed up like he said he would. Even though Eunhyuk had downed at least five sleeping pills, almost twice the number that he was prescribed to take each time, they somehow just stopped working properly and he only got two hours worth of sleep with a considerable level of headache. Eunhyuk wasn’t really sure about the pills not working properly, though, it’s either the drugs stopped working or he already become so numb that his body just stopped responding to it. Neither one of those seemed appealing to him.

It was a quarter to 4 in the morning, the dorm was quiet as most of Eunhyuk’s friends and band mates were most likely off in their own slumbers after various individual activities, leaving Eunhyuk alone with his own thoughts. Then all his senses instantly came to life and he quickly sat up as he heard the soft click of the door being unlocked, he knew who it was, only him and Donghae have the key to this room. Lights immediately flooded the dimly lit bedroom as Donghae’s figure came into view, carefully closing the door behind him. It didn’t seem to surprise him upon seeing that Eunhyuk was wide awake, sitting on their bed, waiting for him to come back. And as soon as the corners of Donghae’s mouth turned upwards into a smile, Eunhyuk froze. He knew that smile, he knew it all too well. Donghae climbed to the bed and sat beside Eunhyuk, wrapping his arms around him as he lowered him onto the bed again, both men lying on their sides, face to face.

“I thought you’re already asleep, baby.”

The fact that Donghae was calling him with that name nearly brought Eunhyuk to tears. And as Donghae spoke, Eunhyuk immediately felt that gut-wrenching pain again. Donghae was drunk, Eunhyuk was so sure of that. His breath smelled strongly of alcohol as was his body, with an additional smell of cigarette, and the worst… some other man’s perfume. Donghae DID got lucky that night.

“I… I was waiting for you.” Eunhyuk’s weak voice didn’t seem to raise any curiosity in Donghae, instead he flashed the infamous smile again and leaned in to catch his lover’s lips with his. “You are so damn perfect, you know that, baby?” Donghae’s eyes started to slowly close as he said that and he fell asleep almost instantly.

This is why Eunhyuk both craved and dreaded moments like this. Donghae was smiling and talking tenderly to him again, calling him with his favorite pet name again, and it really was a reminiscent to what it used to be between them. It reminded Eunhyuk why he had fallen in love with an angel that was Donghae, and he seriously never stopped loving him. How could he? Donghae was pretty much his soul mate. His feelings were the same, if not stronger, only problem was Donghae wasn’t exactly the same angel now. Eunhyuk knew full well that this moment could exist because of the alcohol. No, Donghae has never done that sober these days. Eunhyuk started to wonder why it took alcohol for Donghae to be the Donghae that he used to know, and it started to physically hurt for Eunhyuk to be lying beside Donghae that time, he needed a distraction.

Nearly running to the bathroom inside their bedroom, Eunhyuk knew just what to distract him. He rummaged through the cabinet, after making sure that he had locked the door. And in the farthest topmost cabinet, he found his mean of distraction. He took it with a sense of elation that was nearly abnormal and sat legs crossed on the cold tiled floor. He let out a sigh of relief as he dug the razorblade into his forearm, his lips forming an almost sadistic-looking half-smile as he realized he had drawn blood, completely ignoring the fact that the blood started to ooze even more, dripping on to the floor.

He just needed a distraction, he just needed a concrete form of wound to take care of, just to deny the fact that he couldn’t do anything about the gaping wound on his soul.

 

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Leeteuk was worried.  As the leader of such a big group of guys, or maybe boys, based on the way his dongsaengs can behave like five year-olds sometimes, Leeteuk was so used to fussing over them, reminding them how to behave in front of public, reminding them about their schedules, even sometimes reminding them to eat. But this situation that was unfolding right before his eyes was the one thing he didn’t know how to handle, that’s what caused him to worry. He couldn’t just simply yell at his dongsaengs because they technically did nothing wrong, but then deep inside he knew he should do something.

He looked across the kitchen table towards Eunhyuk, who just sat there with his arms folded on his chest, the fresh omelette and coffee that Ryeowook made for breakfast completely untouched, as he practically sent daggers with the look in his eyes towards Siwon and Donghae. The latter two was lounging around in the living room, in full view to anyone in the kitchen, Donghae was laying his head on Siwon’s lap and they were talking, well more like flirting with each other. At least that’s what it looked like to Leeteuk and maybe Eunhyuk, judging by how violent the look on Eunhyuk’s face was. Leeteuk knew that there was something wrong with the relationship of two of his dongsaengs, Eunhyuk and Donghae, and he also knew that it had affected Eunhyuk worse than it did to Donghae.

Nowadays, Eunhyuk just wasn’t the beloved little monkey that Leeteuk knew anymore. He rarely smiled, he never laughed, he barely ate, he missed steps in their dance routines, which was usually a very rare occurrence, he wasn’t called ‘the dancing machine’ for nothing. It just seemed like Eunhyuk’s bubbly personality just slowly… died. And Leeteuk had no idea how to bring it back to life. He took another look at Siwon and Donghae and wished that they just stop whatever the hell they were doing, because it was doing some destructive things to Eunhyuk at the same time. He knew Siwon was straight, or at least that’s what he knew, so he didn’t know why Siwon can be so touchy-feely with Donghae. And Leeteuk thought to himself, this was not good at all.

“Eunhyuk-ah, why don’t you try to eat?” Eunhyuk only responded to Leeteuk’s question with a shrug, looking like he wasn’t interested at all with the prospect of putting some food in his stomach. “I’m not hungry, hyung.” The flat tone of Eunhyuk’s voice was really alarming to Leeteuk, leading him to wonder what the hell happened to his once hyperactive dongsaeng.

Realizing that Siwon and Donghae looked like they have no intention in stopping whatever they were doing, Eunhyuk finally given up and stood up from the kitchen table to leave towards his room, intending to wasting the whole day away with staying in his room and wouldn’t be bothered to come out, he felt sick enough with what he saw this morning to last for the whole day. But as Eunhyuk stood from his seat, Leeteuk noticed something.

“Eunhyuk-ah, what is that on your arm?” The look of pure horror on Eunhyuk’s face when Leeteuk asked that was enough for Leeteuk to conclude that whatever it was on Eunhyuk’s arm wasn’t exactly the result of a positive attitude. He took quick strides towards Eunhyuk and forcefully took his arm, noticing that there was a long white bandage covering what seemed like a blood-stained wound. Leeteuk felt his mouth turned dry at what he was seeing. What had Eunhyuk done?

“Tell me what this is about, Eunhyuk-ah.”

“Hyung, this is NONE of your business.” And with that, Eunhyuk ripped his arm away from Leeteuk’s grip and turned around to finally leave for his room. Leeteuk felt really uneasy with what just happened, finally realizing that whatever was happening was far worse than what he initially thought.

 

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	3. I Breathe... And I Bleed...

 

 

**_And I bleed, I bleed…  And I breathe, I breathe no more…_ **

 

Nightclubs are usually the places that people with unstable emotional condition go to. Why not? They have endless supply of alcohol, sometimes supply of recreational drugs, and most of the time, endless supply of people with equally unstable emotional condition, which actually is the most dangerous of them all. And those reasons are exactly why Eunhyuk frequently visited this night club just a few miles away from the dorm.  In this night club, he wasn’t the odd one, he mixed fairly well with the crowd of people; most of them are running away from whatever the shit was happening in their lives for just a couple hours of drunken bliss that they’d most likely regret the next morning, before they have to face everything all over again. Just like what Eunhyuk was doing.

Rounds and rounds of Jack Daniel’s shot suddenly seemed like they were appearing out of thin air by how fast they were refilled even when they were only half-empty. Normally a situation like this was Eunhyuk’s beautiful getaway for whenever he started to feel the dorm became a solitary confinement, filled with happiness radiating from each one of his band mates, the one emotion that he no longer knew how to feel, and therefore felt suffocating to be around of. It was usually only him, liquor, and the sea of nameless strangers scattered around the club. But this time was different.

The band somehow decided that they would go out tonight after successfully finishing their promotional cycle for the new album, and they wanted to end it with a bang. Well, that night they really did. At least half of them are either passed out or sneering drunkenly from the amount of alcohol they were consuming. Eunhyuk was not too keen with the idea because he was annoyed to share the one oasis he had with everybody else. And that was only the tip of the iceberg. Eunhyuk was even far more annoyed when he learned that Siwon somehow managed to find his way back into Eunhyuk’s shit list by pretty much hanging on Donghae’s arms almost all night, touching him in all the ways that Eunhyuk could kill him for, but he just couldn’t. Simply because Donghae didn’t even look like he objected to what Siwon was doing.

From the beginning, Donghae has always been Eunhyuk’s everything. He was his best friend, he was the person who knows and understood every thing about him. And as they progressed into being lovers, Donghae’s role shifted as well. He was no longer just Eunhyuk’s everything, he became his reason for everything. Which was why once again Eunhyuk decided that it was better for him to leave the scene, to pretty much run from the sight that was causing all sorts of violent thoughts to appear in his already restless mind. He didn’t just jump on Siwon and started beating the living daylights out of him because no matter how fucked up and obnoxious Siwon’s method was in Eunhyuk’s eyes, he managed to put a smile on Donghae’s face. Granted, alcohol somehow contributed to the all-too-familiar smile too but Donghae had started to smile like that far before he was intoxicated, something that Eunhyuk failed to do lately.

So then Eunhyuk slid off his seat and slipped past Sungmin, determined to leave before he actually do things that he only conjured up in his mind, beating Siwon into a pulp, that is. He already felt his eyes already brimming with tears from the feeling of failure that consumed him. Donghae’s supposed to be his lover, and lord knows that he probably loved Donghae more than life itself, but Eunhyuk was just frustrated about the fact that he was no longer the only one who can put that smile on Donghae’s face. If the evil conscience in Eunhyuk’s mind had a face, at this point it most likely would sneer at him while saying _‘and you only get that smile when he’s completely drunk’_. Eunhyuk knew the painful truth to it.

But before Eunhyuk even managed to take three steps towards the exit, he felt his wrist softly being pulled back. Surprised that someone even noticed that he left the VIP booth, Eunhyuk turn around to find Sungmin holding on to his wrist with a stern look on his eyes. And curiosity immediately took over Eunhyuk from the way Sungmin was looking at him. He and even the guys knew that Sungmin had always had a small crush on him although he never really put it into action for the sole reason that Eunhyuk practically had ‘Property of Lee Donghae’ written all over him from the beginning, and Eunhyuk started to wonder whether this has anything to do with that.

“Hyukkie-ah, why are you leaving?” Sungmin’s soft voice and innocent question had taken Eunhyuk aback. It’s been so long since the last time he had someone spoke so affectionately at him that it took him a few seconds to compose himself and think of something to say to answer his hyung’s question. “I’m just… tired, hyung, I think I need some rest.” Eunhyuk even tried to throw in a smile as well to his answer just so Sungmin would let it go and let him leave the place as fast as humanly possible. Donghae and Siwon, still shamelessly flirting with each other, were still there in his peripheral vision and it honestly started to eat away his defenses little by little.

But then Eunhyuk was even more shocked when Sungmin pulled him into a tight hug with basically no reason at all. Eunhyuk’s mouth open and close a few times as he tried to think of what to say to Sungmin’s sudden behavior, but as it turned out, he majorly failed at that.

“You know that you can always tell me about everything, right, Hyukkie?”

 Eunhyuk could feel the slight gust of wind when Sungmin suddenly pulled away from him. Although when Eunhyuk was finally aware again of his surroundings and came face to face with a displeased-looking Donghae, he realized that Sungmin didn’t pull away from the embrace they were sharing. Instead, he was almost being ripped away from Eunhyuk by Donghae, who at the time had an almost violent look on his face as his eyes grew darker and darker from the obvious anger that he was holding in as he was glaring at Sungmin. Eunhyuk knew this look, surprised that he could see it again after such a long time, it was Donghae’s way of marking his territory, or in this case, making sure that people knew who Eunhyuk belonged to.

Without saying anything, Donghae grabbed Eunhyuk by the wrist tightly and pulled him away towards the exit. Eunhyuk could feel how hard Donghae’s grip was and he was almost positive that it would leave a mark after it, but at this point he didn’t even care. He saw a glimmer of the old Donghae just a few moments before and he really wanted to hold on to it for as long as he can manage. His bruised wrist would be a small sacrifice, he was completely okay with it. The silence continued to linger as Eunhyuk and Donghae left the club, and even stretched until their drive back to the dorm and the elevator journey to their designated floor.

It was only until they reached their bedroom that Donghae let everything out. He slammed the door closed so hard that Eunhyuk was surprised the hinges didn’t fall off. He looked menacingly at Eunhyuk before landing a slap on Eunhyuk’s cheek and shoved him until he lost his balance, stumbling back before falling flat on his back on to the floor. It was then that Eunhyuk realized how angry Donghae was. He quickly stood up, pulling Donghae closer to him, planting quick kisses anywhere he can on Donghae’s face although Donghae was constantly trying to pull away.

“Hae, baby, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to, it’s just… he caught me by surprise, and…” Eunhyuk was trying so hard to dig himself out of the hole he was currently in. He didn’t want this old Donghae that he saw emerged at the club to disappear just yet, he would do anything to keep him around longer. Even if he had to endure whatever Donghae was gonna throw at him, whether it be spiteful words or even physical torture, he would take it all. All for the old Donghae, the angel Donghae.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing with Sungmin hyung, baby, what?” Donghae’s tone of voice was a weird mixture of anger and agony at the same time, it contrasted with the violent demeanor he was sporting just a few seconds before. And it surprised Eunhyuk even more when he saw tears started falling from Donghae’s eyes. He knew Donghae had been drinking the whole night and he knew that Donghae was pretty much intoxicated now but he didn’t think that it would actually drove him to tears.

“It was nothing, Hae, I swear. It was just a hug, nothing more. You have to believe me, baby.” A huge wave of relief washed over Eunhyuk when Donghae nodded his head, signaling that he indeed believed whatever Eunhyuk was saying. Once he was sure that Donghae had calmed down, he dared to place a long kiss on his lover’s lips, only to realize that Donghae started ferociously kissing him back. For a split second Eunhyuk felt the same sense of longing that he always feel towards Donghae, coming from Donghae now, and he probably could die out of happiness.

“You’re mine, Hyukkie, you’re mine.” Those were the words that Donghae whispered in between their passionate kisses. And he kept repeating them when he pretty much ripped off the shirt Eunhyuk was wearing. He continued to softly utter those words as he situated himself on top of Eunhyuk, all pieces of clothing that they were wearing completely removed by then. And those words were all Eunhyuk could hear as Donghae repeatedly pounded into him mercilessly, making both of them almost screaming out of pure ecstasy.

Eunhyuk always knew that Donghae wasn’t the most gentle lover, but that night Donghae had truly outdone himself in more ways than one. Eunhyuk could feel Donghae’s desperation for more in every thrust, each one even rougher than the one before it, reminding Eunhyuk of how their angry or make up sex used to be. After they reached their climax, both coming almost simultaneously, Eunhyuk was surprised even more. Donghae didn’t leave. He stayed. He pulled the covers over both their bodies before pulling Eunhyuk as close as possible to himself and that was how they fell asleep.

Happy would be an understatement to describe what Eunhyuk was feeling at that time. He practically ran out of words to express his excitement at what Donghae had done. He thought that maybe now things would change for good, maybe the old Donghae had truly came back now, and his life would be back to the way it used to be, happier and more in love than ever with Donghae. But then Eunhyuk realized that he was hoping for too much as he awoke the next morning, reaching to his side and finding nothing but a cold space, with almost no trace of Donghae ever being there at all. And then Eunhyuk just knew that Donghae had left before he even woke up. It wasn’t a dream, he was really sure of it. After all, it was just too real to be a dream. He knew that it had truly happened. As he curled up in his bed and finally cried, he realized that what happened and where he is now was life playing a sick joke on him.

 

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	4. I Drew From My Spirit's Well, And You Still Refuse To Drink Like A Stubborn Child

 

 

**_Take a breath and I try to draw from my spirit’s well... Yet again you refuse to drink like a stubborn child..._ **

 

What are you supposed to do when the one person who kept you alive is the one killing you slowly from the inside? You can’t really let go of the person because to do that means you are willingly letting go of the reason for you to breathe, the one thing that kept your blood pumping. But at the same time, that person is the venom that managed to suck the life slowly out of you, leaving you as nothing but an empty shell of what you used to be. Eunhyuk let out a sigh, he already lost count of how many times he had asked himself that when it came to Donghae. It’s weird that the more he repeated that question, the one thing that’s always been the answer just became clearer and clearer. Donghae was his heroin. He knew that he couldn’t live without him yet he somewhat knew that Donghae will be the death of him if he doesn’t stop it. But then how could he? Picturing life without Donghae scared him to death, it was enough for him to hold on to every single thing that could prevent it from happening.

 

Eunhyuk put down the book that he was reading and massaged the bridge of his nose slowly. Tired, that’s all he seemed to be feeling these days. Ever since that night, the night that Donghae didn’t immediately left after sex like what he used to do, but then leaving at early in the morning which made it even worse, Eunhyuk never slept. It’s been three days now and he could feel himself grew even more tired than ever, which didn’t help with his trouble of sleeping. Empty plastic bottles of sleeping pills were lying around on the nightstand, there were at least four of them, the only remaining batch that the doctor supplied him with before he stopped them altogether, based on the fact that Eunhyuk ran through them like candies, but then never managed to actually get a decent sleep out of it. And no matter how much Eunhyuk begged for the doctor to prescribe another batch, he thought that it would be far too dangerous and just decided to force Eunhyuk to sleep naturally.

 

Eunhyuk pushed the bottles off the nightstand in frustration. Stupid doctor, he thought to himself. If this much medication still couldn’t help him to sleep, how the hell is that idiotic doctor expected him to sleep without them? Letting out another sigh, Eunhyuk stood up from his bed and went out of his room, only to be greeted with silence. Most of his band mates were out on a taping for some variety show, and Eunhyuk had decided to take a rain check. He pretended that he was sick and told Leeteuk that he couldn’t participate in today’s activities, when in fact he was just beyond tired and honestly couldn’t handle going on to a set, smiling and laughing and pretending that he was having fun when he hasn’t slept for days and feel worse than ever.

 

Just as Eunhyuk reached the kitchen, the door to the dorm opened, revealing a hurried-looking Sungmin. His eyes immediately lit up when he saw Eunhyuk, followed with a smile that further proves that he was excited to see him.

 

“Ah, you finally decided to go out of your room.” Sungmin’s smile didn’t seem to falter as he said that even though the only response he got from Eunhyuk was just a nod.

 

“You need to come with me.” Before Eunhyuk even managed to say anything, not even to agree or not, Sungmin had pulled him by the hand and led both of them out of their dorm. None of them said anything during the journey from the room to Sungmin’s car in the basement. And although Eunhyuk would like to question why Sungmin didn’t let go of his hand as they made their way to Sungmin’s car, he decided against it. No one had held his hand like that in a long time, not even Donghae. And for a couple seconds, he indulged in the fact that maybe Sungmin’s feelings for him never really disappeared, and that gave him an odd sense of security, knowing that he was at least still loved.

 

As it turned out, Sungmin brought the two of them to the edge of the Han River. Sungmin carefully cut the engine to his car off as he parked, Eunhyuk decided to break the silence and asked Sungmin straight up, “Hyung, what’s this all about?”

 

Sungmin looked over to Eunhyuk with a torn look on his face, he was honestly surprised as to how clueless Eunhyuk was about his feelings for him, or the things that started happening for the past couple months. But he just needed this to happen, he needed to intervene. He spent too long only staying at the sidelines and watched everything unfolded, watching as Eunhyuk looked like he might commit suicide any moment just for the sheer fact that he looked like he no longer has any willingness to continue living.

 

“Hyukkie, I meant what I said that night at the club. You can tell me anything at all, I’d be more than happy to listen.” Eunhyuk flinched uncomfortably at Sungmin’s question. A part of him wanted to scream and let him know about everything that’s been going on but no words managed to come out. Even if Eunhyuk wanted to tell Sungmin about everything, he really didn’t know where to start, nor did he know what it would accomplish by telling Sungmin.

 

“I don’t understand what you’re talking about, hyung.” Sungmin let out an exasperated sigh as he noticed the well-rehearsed lie that Eunhyuk was telling him. He’s been telling everybody that yet every single person he told it to just can see that Eunhyuk wasn’t well, and that he just wasn’t the same. It’s a shame that Eunhyuk’s the only one who couldn’t see it.

 

“Hyukkie, we know about Donghae, we can see the way he’s acting, we can see the way it’s affecting you, we can see the scars on your arm, we can see everything. And all of us just don’t know why you keep torturing yourself by staying with Donghae!” Sungmin’s voice got louder with each word that he said, which even surprised Eunhyuk and Sungmin himself altogether. Sungmin never thought that he would care this much, but he did. It breaks his heart to see Eunhyuk this way. Hell, it breaks everyone’s heart.

 

Eunhyuk was taken aback by his hyung’s strong reaction, not having any idea that Sungmin felt that way. But even though his initial reaction was of relief that he wasn’t entirely alone, he was ticked off by the fact that Sungmin even dared to imply that he should leave Donghae. If they could see he’s hurting, if they could see that his relationship with Donghae wasn’t as affectionate as what it used to be, how could they fail to see that even through all of that Eunhyuk never stopped loving Donghae? Or that Eunhyuk still wanted to believe that Donghae could change after all.

 

“Hyung, I’ve told Teukie hyung about this and I’m not gonna hesitate to tell you this, this is none of your business!” Sungmin really felt like ripping his hair out when he heard Eunhyuk said that. He was now extremely frustrated to see Eunhyuk willingly let himself to be walked on by Donghae, who in his opinion, just completely disregard Eunhyuk’s feelings. And just like that, Sungmin’s self-control tore into shreds. He no longer cared that he wasn’t supposed to do that, and he no longer cared that he shouldn’t even be that forward with his feelings for Eunhyuk. He reached over and roughly pulled Eunhyuk closer, before crashing his lips desperately on Eunhyuk’s.

 

If what Sungmin said previously had shocked Eunhyuk, this went beyond that. And going on instincts alone, Eunhyuk pushed Sungmin away furiously. “You went too far, hyung!” As soon as Eunhyuk said that Sungmin knew that he probably had made the worst mistake he had ever made when it came to Eunhyuk. But then again, there really was no way around the fact that Sungmin’s feelings towards Eunhyuk has always been there.

 

“You can’t keep pushing everybody away, Hyukkie. Not when it’s for someone who doesn’t even know or care what you’re worth.”

 

Although Eunhyuk knew that there was truth in what Sungmin said, he just refused to believe it. He turned away from Sungmin and got out of the car, not even caring that he had to walk all the way to the dorm because of that. He just needed to escape Sungmin, and the bitter truth in his words.

 

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As soon as Eunhyuk reached the dorm, all he wanted was just to find Donghae. He needed to be with him, needed to feel his arms around him as his mind was still in a state of shock after what Sungmin had done. And as he finally made it to his room, a wave of relief washed over him to find that Donghae was there, standing in front of their walk-in closet with his eyebrows furrowed. Eunhyuk could only smile at that. Donghae looked so much like a little boy when he’s wearing that frown, only reminding Eunhyuk about what had made him fell this hard for Donghae. Eunhyuk just stood there for a few seconds when Donghae finally noticed him there.

 

“Hyukkie, where were you?” Donghae asked nonchalantly as he pulled out a pile of his clothes from the closet, putting them carefully on his suitcase. “Uh… I was out for a walk.” Eunhyuk answered carefully, making a mental note to himself, never to mention that he went out with Sungmin and about what went down. He really didn’t want a repeat of that night at the club. But then his curiosity was raised when he noticed that Donghae was well on his way of packing.

 

“And where are you going? I don’t know we have a schedule overseas.” Eunhyuk asked, walking over towards Donghae and wrapping his arms around his waist from behind as he got to Donghae.

 

“Hyukkie, not now, I’m packing, And I’m going to Taiwan.” Eunhyuk felt a little twinge of pain in his heart when Donghae said that and just dismissed his affectionate gesture, removing Eunhyuk’s arms from his waist and carry on with packing, acting as if it was nothing wrong. Eunhyuk just took a deep breath and let it out briefly, trying to ignore what just happened. He just can’t handle it right now.

 

“Aren’t we gonna go there a week from now?” Eunhyuk asked, suddenly reminded that they indeed have a schedule at Taiwan, but not for another week, so why was Donghae already preparing for that? “Siwon and I are going there first to talk about some things with the people there. Something about us starring in a drama.” Hearing Donghae said that was like taking a punch straight to Eunhyuk’s gut. The prospect of Donghae being alone with Siwon in Taiwan didn’t sound appealing at all to Eunhyuk. And he just had the most irrational fear that he wasn’t gonna like it.

 

“Hae, come on, we have to leave now.” Siwon suddenly appeared at the door, signaling towards the dorm’s door with his head. Eunhyuk watched as a grin appeared on Donghae’s face when he saw Siwon, quickly zipping up his suitcase and picking up his backpack, looking like he was more excited than ever. And at that point Eunhyuk just wanted the floor to open up and swallowed him whole, that’s how horrible he was feeling. Donghae never showed that level of excitement with him these days.

 

“I’ll see you later at Taiwan, okay, I love you.” Even hearing Donghae saying that he loved him and briefly kissed him didn’t do Eunhyuk much good. And as Eunhyuk saw the slight sneer and the glint that was apparent in Siwon’s eyes as he put an arm around Donghae and they both left the room, Eunhyuk knew that he was entitled to his suspicion. He glanced towards the mirror on the dresser. Upon seeing his own reflection, black bags under his eyes, hollow cheeks as the result of his rapid weight loss these days, misery clearly etched all over his face from everything that happened earlier, Eunhyuk never felt so mad. He took quick strides towards the mirror and punched his fist on it with all his might, the mirror shattering from the impact, little shards of them brought along traces of Eunhyuk’s own blood. He let his hand fell limply on his side, the blood still dripping slowly and pooled together on the side of his foot. He hated himself and where he was right now. Yet he didn’t know where he was supposed to go. Nothing about this seems fair at all.

 

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	5. Convince Me That I've Been Sick And All Of This Will Make Sense When I Get Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lie to me, convince me that I've been sick forever… And all of this will make sense when I get better…

 

 

**_Lie to me, convince me that I've been sick forever… And all of this will make sense when I get better…_ **

 

Ten days. That’s how long Donghae had been away in Taiwan. And that’s also how long Eunhyuk have been depraved of sleep. How he can last that long without a proper sleep, he didn’t know. All he knew was that when Leeteuk told the group that the management cancelled all their schedules in Taiwan cause as it turned out only Siwon and Donghae were needed there, he literally felt like somebody just shoved a poisoned rag down his throat. He suddenly had the most uncontrollable need to stand up and protest at Leeteuk’s statement, because of the simple fact that he really needed to be where Donghae was, and that he didn’t trust Siwon with him, and that he suspected Siwon was up to no good. But he couldn’t really do that now, could he? So he just swallowed everything in and decided to deal with it on his own, just like he used to do. He thought that he had been doing that since his relationship with Donghae had somehow gone sour, so he surely can manage dealing with this one, right?

Well, it was wrong. Eunhyuk had under-estimated how lethal paranoia could be and now he’s paying the price for it. Every time he laid his head down to at least put on an effort to get some sleep, images of Donghae being with Siwon, Donghae smiling and laughing brightly because of Siwon, Donghae being in Siwon’s arms, just started fleeting through his head like some fucked up dream. But then again, the concept of a dream itself has been somewhat foreign to Eunhyuk now, who’s already been awake for so long he was coming dangerously close to being unable to differentiate what’s real and what’s not. To Eunhyuk, everything that’s happening around him just became a series of blurry and sometimes frustrating flashes that was overlapping with each other, making it even more difficult to grasp whether or not it truly happened. In each and every one of Super Junior’s public appearance, it’s like Eunhyuk was there just for the sake of having all members there. He only laughed because he had to, smile because that’s what the producers want him to do, and in other times he’d just be there staring into space. And all the other members could just pass sad knowing looks between them, painfully aware that the Eunhyuk who was there was not their brother. He was just his mute and emotionally disconnected clone.

For all those ten days where Donghae was away, that’s how lost Eunhyuk was. He spent his days waiting for Donghae to call him back, because the hundreds of phone calls and messages that Eunhyuk left for him just magically went unanswered. And in those rare occurrences where Donghae did answer that phone call, he just mumbled something about being busy and he would call him back and ended the call before Eunyuk could say so much as ‘I miss you’. And Donghae never called back. It also didn’t help that each time Donghae answered the call, Siwon’s voice was always there at the background. Eunhyuk’s phone became the victim when it happened for the first time. He already bought a new phone because he smashed his previous one out of frustration from hearing the voice of the man he despised so much. The man he thought was his friend. But then Eunhyuk guessed their friendship had gone down the drain the moment Siwon decided that it’s perfectly fine to be all over Donghae nearly all the time, even though he was aware of what kind of relationship Donghae and Eunhyuk shared.

Eunhyuk thought it was odd how frustrating the thought of Donghae being with Siwon is when the two of them were away when he practically see it happening right before his eyes almost everyday now. Somehow with the two of them not being physically present, it only makes Eunhyuk’s thoughts becoming a lot more active than usual, producing things that was even far worse that seeing it actually happening. Eunhyuk had lost count of how many times he involuntarily thought about someone kissing Donghae’s lips, someone being there beside Donghae every time the night comes, and instead of picturing himself, Siwon’s face was the only thing that kept cropping up, causing Eunhyuk’s blood began to boil as he felt the level of hostility in himself increase to an alarming level.

The anger, the paranoia, the sleep deprivation and everything that entails it actually amounted to one thing. Eunhyuk just needed Donghae to be back. He was the one he needed to make everything means something again, to make everything makes sense again. Donghae was Eunhyuk’s last shred of reality, the only thing he could feel any sort of emotion to. And that was why at 3 in the morning, Eunhyuk was awake, watching some random drama on the TV and being totally aware of his surroundings. Every little sound caused him to quickly look towards the door, every single time hoping that it was the sound of the lock opening. Donghae was supposed to be back from Taiwan that night. All his things and Siwon’s things are already at the dorm but the two haven’t showed up yet. And when Eunhyuk asked the manager about it, he only mumbled something about the two of them going out to get drinks, to which Eunhyuk only responded with a quick ‘okay’, his hands curling into tight fists at the same time.

This time, as Eunhyuk heard footsteps coming closer towards the door, he was pretty certain it was them. And surely enough, just seconds later, the door to the dorm opened, and both Donghae and Siwon walked in. Eunhyuk had stood up from the excitement that suddenly took over him when he saw Donghae again. God knows, he already missed him so much. Too damn much, even. But the smile that had appeared on Eunhyuk’s face was forced to disappear when he saw Donghae dangling on Siwon, putting one arm around his waist as Siwon had his wrapped around Donghae’s shoulders, both laughing loudly. Then Eunhyuk realized that the two was practically wasted, judging by how Donghae’s face was flushed red, as was Siwon’s. But that still didn’t make him feel any better after seeing the two of them, both unaware that Eunhyuk was even there.

Siwon looked up first and noticed Eunhyuk standing in front of him, his eyes immediately darkening when he saw Eunhyuk. Eunhyuk battled the urge to bash Siwon’s head in at the challenging look he was giving him. It was as if Siwon was silently saying, ‘yes, I have him in my arms, what are you gonna do about it?’. But Eunhyuk knew he couldn’t just stand still at that, so he quickly walked towards Siwon and Donghae, making an obvious move that he was gonna take Donghae away from Siwon and brought him back to their room to take care of him. Or maybe just to get him away from Siwon.

“Don’t bother, I can manage.” It literally took every shred of humanity that Eunhyuk has not to jump at Siwon and beat the shit out of him when he said that, that challenging look still lingering in his eyes. Eunhyuk could only watch as Siwon walked away, Donghae still in his arms, heading towards the room that Eunhyuk and Donghae shared. Up to this point, Donghae wasn’t even aware that Eunhyuk was there as he was still laughing hysterically at pretty much nothing. Eunhyuk refused to let it go just like that, though. He followed Siwon and Donghae as they made their way towards the room, standing by the door frame as he watched Siwon rested Donghae on the bed carefully. Eunhyuk still could accept that, although still having the intention to at least have a man to man talk with Siwon about what was really happening. But the next thing that happened really was the last straw that broke the camel’s back.

Siwon was still bending down over Donghae as he laid him down, and as he made a move that looked like he was about to kiss Donghae on his forehead, that was where Eunhyuk snapped. No, he did not stay awake for ten days straight only to find Donghae and Siwon like this. Eunhyuk made his way towards Siwon and roughly pulled him outside of the room. As soon as the two stepped out of the room, Eunhyuk slammed Siwon towards the wall in the hallway and grabbed him by the neck.

“Explain what the hell you were trying to do before I smash your head against this wall.” Eunhyuk nearly didn’t recognize that voice that came out of his mouth when he said that. Deep inside, he was wondering whether or not he was actually the one saying that. That voice was so cold, bitter, and laced with so much malice that he didn’t even know he had. Had that side of him always existed? Only he never actually got to set it free? Or had it only been an effect of the overwhelming jealousy that he was feeling? He couldn’t quite answer that. All he knew now was that Siwon had better come up with an acceptable explanation of his actions towards Donghae or he’d actually do what he said and smash Siwon’s head against the wall. And truthfully, that sounded really appealing. Surprisingly, Siwon only smiled cynically at Eunhyuk’s threat, looking like he wasn’t even bothered by it.

“Fine, go ahead and beat me up. But that still couldn’t change the fact that Donghae doesn’t need you anymore. You’re nothing but filler in his days, he only keeps you around because you are impossible to shake off. And I’m starting to see why he wants to let you go, look how pathetic you are, refusing to be the bigger man here when you clearly see that Donghae doesn’t even want you anymore.”

With each word that Siwon said, Eunhyuk’s grip on his throat just got tighter and tighter. His fingernails were starting to dig into the veins on the side of Siwon’s throat, he was pretty sure that’s gonna leave a mark. But really, that was the last thing on his mind as he was fighting the urge to physically hurt Siwon beyond repair.

“Take it back. Take whatever the fuck you said back, and I’m gonna let you come out of this alive.” Once again, Siwon only smiled cynically at what Eunhyuk said, forcefully taking Eunhyuk’s hand off his throat, revealing the little fingernail marks on it.

“You can threaten to kill me all you want, I wouldn’t give a fuck about it. Just as how I wouldn’t give a fuck when at the end of the day Donghae will leave you entirely because he’s happier with someone else.”

When he heard that came out of Siwon’s mouth, it was like all hell broke loose. Anger wouldn’t be enough to explain what Eunhyuk was feeling at that time. He was livid. So livid that his head started throbbing in pain, and he couldn’t even breathe properly. He had lost any sense of self control when he landed the first punch on Siwon’s torso, the latter immediately crouching in pain from the punch that pushed the air out of his lungs. Siwon was by no means strong, and normally he would be able to fight back, but he had made the grave mistake of challenging Eunhyuk and his already troubled soul. That night, Eunhyuk wasn’t the innocent bubbly guy Siwon used to know, that part of him had most likely been gone for awhile now from everything that was happening.

Eunhyuk was seeing red. He rode out all his frustrations and anger as he pinned Siwon down on the floor and landed punch after punch at his face. Siwon was practically spitting blood by now and the only thing that could be heard was the flat packing sounds as Eunhyuk’s fist met Siwon’s face over and over again. Eunhyuk started smiling maniacally as he felt Siwon starting to become helpless and stop fighting back. The smile grew wider and wider as he saw blood also starting to ooze out of Siwon’s nose. Ah, the satisfaction of it, Eunhyuk thought.

But just as Eunhyuk was about to land the final punch, somebody stopped him. He turned his head around to see Donghae standing there, a stern look on his face as he gripped Eunhyuk’s forearm tightly. Effectively stopping him from ruining Siwon’s face completely. The effect of alcohol seemed to have worn out in Donghae, because of the fact that he looked really composed, calm, bordering on being scary, even. Donghae pulled Eunhyuk away from Siwon and shoved him until he toppled over and fell on to the floor.

“What do you think you’re doing, Hyukkie? Huh? Tell me!”

What little feeling of victory Eunhyuk had from the satisfaction of physically hurting Siwon vapored into thin air as he heard Donghae practically yelling at him, eyes dark and the corners of his mouth was twitching as he seemed like he was holding his anger in. For once in his life, he was truly afraid that he would lose Donghae, because he had never seen him looking like this before. Yes, Donghae had been angry at Eunhyuk before but it was never like this.

“Hae, I had to, he was…” But Donghae cut him off before he even managed to say anything more. “You know what, stop, I don’t even know why I’m listening to you.” At Donghae’s words, Eunhyuk’s already ruined and wounded heart got in an even worse condition. He felt so unwanted. And as he watched Donghae walked towards Siwon and helped him get up, whispering things that he couldn’t really decipher, he was suddenly given the taste of how it would feel like to lose Donghae to someone else. And that woke something up inside him. As a drop of tear fell on his cheek, he felt the familiar grief, yes, but there was something more now. He couldn’t quite identify what it was but it’s just… there, like a monster lurking somewhere in the back of his mind, just waiting for its time to be released.

 

 

 


	6. I Just Can't Help But To Wonder, Which Of Us Do You Love?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know the difference, between myself and my reflection… I just can't help but to wonder, which of us do you love…

 

 

**_I know the difference, between myself and my reflection… I just can't help but to wonder, which of us do you love…_ **

 

Eunhyuk stared at the glass of whiskey in his hand, losing count of how many he had consumed ever since he arrived at this bar, which amazingly was just over an hour before. But he was not drunk. A state of drunkenness can only be applied to someone who was well enough to be taken to a higher level of consciousness, which is what being drunk is actually about. People always thought that being drunk is when they lost all consciousness and surrendered under the influence of alcohol, letting it take over their being, words and actions altogether. But instead, they actually become more of what they are truly about because of alcohol. Drunken people are usually the most honest of all people, no? Is that not just another way to say that being drunk is actually being more conscious of who you are?

Well, the same could be not be said to Eunhyuk, though. How the hell was he supposed to be taken to a higher level of consciousness when he was not well enough to begin with? Eunhyuk most likely had become foreign to the term of consciousness itself because he hadn’t managed to take any sleep for the past two or maybe even three weeks, and had been diagnosed with a severe case of insomnia and early symptoms of schizophrenia. Eunhyuk couldn’t help but laugh at himself when he listened to his doctor carefully telling him these things that he already knew. He began to wonder why he came back to this moronic doctor again and contemplated on stop coming at all. In his head, that would’ve been a better solution. He didn’t need the man with the so-called fucking title of doctor telling him what to do.

And then of course there’s the truckload of shit that Eunhyuk received after nearly ruining his band mate’s face beyond repair. Siwon had been taken to the hospital right after the incident took place, and had to withdraw from any activities the band were having because of the awful condition his face was in. Fractured jaw, fractured nose, and lips that required 14 stitches, because of how badly they were split. Eunhyuk smiled at the thought of causing that much pain on Siwon, feeling a sense of victory that was long overdue. Siwon had tried to take Donghae away so blatantly that Eunhyuk began to wonder why he had taken such a long time to finally be vengeful. Being banned from group activities and public appearances was just a small price to pay in exchange of his satisfaction on ruining something beautiful. Or maybe in this case it was Siwon.

How Donghae acted after that incident was a whole different thing, though. With just one look he always managed to make Eunhyuk immediately felt that the victory seeped into nothingness, fading away at the very moment his heart started breaking all over again. But then Eunhyuk wasn’t so sure whether a heart that’s been through so much pain from being torn down into shreds could ever be whole for it to be broken again. Eunhyuk remembered vividly how the air in his lungs seemed to have disappeared when he went into the room he and Donghae shared only to find Donghae packing up his things, not saying anything or even so much as look at Eunhyuk when he took all his belongings and moved to another room in the dorm. Even though that other room is just a few steps away, the emotional distance it symbolizes was too much for Eunhyuk to wrap his head around of. And now that room they used to share just seemed like a waste of space, just something to hold the memory of what they used to be.

Eunhyuk wasn’t sure whether he and Donghae were truly over. Although when push comes the shove, and there had to be a point somewhere in the near future for Eunhyuk to finally realize that he might lose Donghae, he still couldn’t bring himself to truly believe that. To lose Donghae is to lose himself. And he didn’t know what he would do if the time presented itself.

“Gin and tonic, with a twist.”

Eunhyuk quickly turned his head to the right when he noticed that soft familiar voice, and was not surprised to see Sungmin, who had taken a seat on the bar stool next to Eunhyuk, holding his hand up to get the bartender’s attention and ordered the exact same thing he ordered every time he came to this bar. Of course Eunhyuk remembered that. After all, this was his and Donghae’s favorite bar, and Sungmin and his different boyfriends from time to time used to tag along with them for a double date. The boyfriends changed every couple of visits to this bar, the drink, however, did not. Eunhyuk could never understand why someone could do that, always ordering the same thing over and over again with no curiosity of what other drinks might taste like. One drunken night, and Eunhyuk finally understood why that happened. He remembered Sungmin slurred these words, ‘it’s just like you and Donghae, you know? You are so familiar with the taste and become so in love with it that you just couldn’t imagine yourself going out there and trying something that might not even have the same effect.’

Both Eunhyuk and Sungmin had waved that conversation off at that time, laughing it away and proceeded into drinking themselves into oblivion. It was the night after they had won their first award and Eunhyuk remembered that he and his band mates were so excited they booked one whole floor of that night club just for them, where Eunhyuk and Donghae were practically dry humping each other on one of the couches there from the said excitement, much to the disgust of the rest of the guys, who were pretty much rolling on the floor laughing when they witnessed what was happening. Those were good times. The key word here is ‘were’.

The bartender came a few seconds later with a glass of Gin and Tonic and handed it to Sungmin, who looked as excited as he had ever been at the drink that he already had probably a thousand times before. Eunhyuk couldn’t help but found it funny. He scoffed really lightly, one corner of his mouth curled upwards as he looked at Sungmin. Eunhyuk looked like he was well on his way into smiling for the first time in weeks.

“Is the Gin and Tonic ever gonna change?” Sungmin laughed at Eunhyuk’s question before taking a gulp of his drink. Then he put the glass back down and looked at Eunhyuk, smiling brightly.

“Are you ever gonna stop loving Donghae?” was Sungmin’s cheeky reply.

“Good point.” Eunhyuk nodded as he said that, the slightest smile appearing on his face as he did so. And that nearly drove Sungmin over the edge.

“Is this a good sign? You’ve smiled twice since I came, and you haven’t done that in weeks.” The innocent question just left Sungmin’s mouth without him trying or even wanting to process what he had said. He had been obvious, too painfully obvious with how he felt about Eunhyuk. And Eunhyuk realized that too. Even though he completely pushed Sungmin away ever since that time when Sungmin practically kissed him, he couldn’t help but to feel that Sungmin’s the only one with enough effort to try and get through to Eunhyuk whereas he felt the other members are slowly giving up on him, solely on the basis that Eunhyuk had been persistent in distancing himself with the rest of the members because he almost could feel their judging stares at him all the time, probably cursing about how stupid he was for letting Donghae treated him that way.

“I don’t know about that, hyung.” Which was the truth. Eunhyuk didn’t know why he did that, nor did he know whether Sungmin was the one who managed get him to smile or not. But to Sungmin, the near-smile was enough. He rested his palm on Eunhyuk’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, before pulling his hand away. Sungmin knew that he could not be stupid enough to do what he did the last time. No, not when Eunhyuk seemed to have forgiven him for what he did.

Eunhyuk, on the other hand, just kept getting surprised with Sungmin’s actions. Yes, it was clear to him what kind of feeling Sungmin has for him, and he couln’t help but notice that Sungmin always came at the best of times. Sungmin came when he nearly broke down and brought him to the Han River, consoling him and telling him that he wasn’t alone. Although the trip ended badly with Eunhyuk getting offended when Sungmin implied that he should leave Donghae, the main point is that Sungmin was there at the first place. Sungmin was there the day Eunhyuk trashed his own room, driven by anger and agony after Donghae had moved out of it. Sungmin was there when Eunhyuk once again felt the need to carve his frustration into his arm with the razorblade when Donghae stayed at the hospital overnight cause he wanted to be with Siwon. Sungmin was there even when Donghae was not.

Eunhyuk was suddenly terrified at what he had realized, terrified of how unusual it was, how good it made him feel.

 

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Eunhyuk had bid Sungmin goodbye and they separated at the living room of the dorm. And once again, Eunhyuk managed to come up with at least a smile for Sungmin. He just felt like he owed it to him, just for being there and continue to be there when he repeatedly push him away.

To Eunhyuk’s surprise, the door to his room was already opened when he got there. He was pretty sure he had locked it before he left this afternoon, solely because he didn’t want anyone to see the torn down condition it was in. He had done some serious damage to the room, thinking that if he can damage the room as best as he can, the memories will somehow get destroyed too, which then Eunhyuk painfully learned to be impossible. He still loves Donghae with all his being, and as long as he still does, there really was no way for the memories to disappear.

One foot in the darkened room, Eunhyuk had the shock of his lifetime when he heard sobs coming from inside his room. He was never the one to believe in supernatural things so he was pretty sure that there was some logical explanation for what one of his senses was picking up. So he continued to walk inside his room, and flipped the light switch on. Then he could see where the sobs were coming from. Donghae was sitting on the floor, leaning on to the bedpost with his back facing Eunhyuk. Eunhyuk could see his shoulders shook slightly from how hard he was crying and Eunhyuk did what only comes as natural to him.

Eunhyuk quickly walked to where Donghae was and sat beside him, the latter not even acknowledging that someone other than himself was there as he sat on the floor, knees drawn up to his chest and head bowed down as he continued to cry. Eunhyuk carefully put an arm around his lover, and just like the old times, Donghae just instinctively leaned into Eunhyuk’s embrace, wrapping his arms around Eunhyuk. Eunhyuk still couldn’t dare to ask why Donghae was crying. Questions, answers and reasons could wait, if not totally insignificant altogether. Donghae, his lover, his everything, was in pain. And he was willing to give up everything to stop that from continuing to happen.

“Hae, baby, what’s wrong?”

Donghae looked up from Eunhyuk’s arms, looking like he was surprised at his own actions. Suddenly he pushed Eunhyuk away, standing up and towering over Eunhyuk, a completely different look in his eyes. A moment ago, he looked really helpless, even child-like. He seemed like he was completely lost and was there because he needed someone to find him that way. But that look had disappeared.

“Go away.”

This little statement confused Eunhyuk even more. Literally, seconds before, Donghae was looking like he was on the verge of breaking down and now… Eunhyuk just didn’t get it. He knew Donghae and he knew that what happened before was truly happening. But then the man standing in front of him telling him to go away now was equally believable and Eunhyuk just couldn’t figure out which one the real Donghae was.

“Hae, I don’t get it, you were crying before and…”

Eunhyuk tried to coax the truth out of Donghae as he walked towards him, arms stretched as if saying that Donghae was more than welcomed to be back there again because that’s where he’s suppose to be at the first place.

“I said go away!”

Eunhyuk heard the conviction in Donghae’s voice as he once again pushed him away. This time, the force managed to make Eunhyuk fell flat on the floor. Eunhyuk couldn’t see them coming, both Donghae’s actions and his own reaction to it. He stood up, bracing himself to stand in front of Donghae. He wanted an explanation. Hell, he demanded an explanation. He had spent too long not doing anything about Donghae, yet doing some pretty fucked up and destructive things to himself just to channel the helplessness he was feeling when it came to Donghae. It was like all hell broke loose.

“Lee Donghae, you better tell me what the fuck it is you want and you better tell me now! I have had enough! All this time I just sit still because I thought you could change. Fuck, I KNOW you could change, you are not the heartless piece of shit I’m seeing right now, Hae! I fucking love you, always have been, I’d do anything for you, I’d bleed for you, I’d break myself down and put myself back together for you, I’d fucking die for you if you want me to! Just fucking tell me what you want, Hae, tell me!!!”

For a second, Donghae only stood there dumbfounded at what Eunhyuk had said. Then tears started brimming his eyes again and he whispered two words that Eunhyuk never thought he’d say.

 “I’m sorry, Hyukkie.”

Eunhyuk was sure that after Donghae said that, he would storm out of this room and then he would have to make peace with the fact that he somehow had to find a way to live without Donghae. Even after he had said it, it was still the most hideous, gut-wrenching prospect that he had to live in. But he didn’t prepare himself for what truly happened, though, namely Donghae walking so quickly towards him and kissed him so hard it seemed like his life depended on it. As Eunhyuk started kissing Donghae back, his body prickling with excitement as he did so, all thoughts of letting Donghae go at the beginning of the night just seemed like a silly child-like joke. And just like that, Eunhyuk knew that he was back on square one.

 

 

 


	7. Bleed... Bleed... Bleed...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I bleed… I bleed…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [T R I G G E R W A R N I N G]

 

 

**_So I bleed… I bleed…_ **

 

It’s like Eunhyuk just couldn’t sit still. The sofa he was sitting on is worth a fortune and it was probably one of the most comfortable things for anyone to be sitting on, yet Eunhyuk just couldn’t see the comfort in it. Not when all he wanted was to be in a hotel room ten floors up from where he was at that time. It was so close. The elevator ride there itself wouldn’t take more than half a minute but with the rate this interview was going, it felt like an eternity passed by before he could take that 30-second journey to the place he so desperately wanted to be in. Eunhyuk glanced at the interviewer in front of him, who was laughing and adding his two cents at some inane things that his Yesung hyung was saying, and he suddenly felt the urge to sew the man’s mouth shut. Just so the mind-numbingly boring interview could end, just so he could leave.

Before Eunhyuk, Leeteuk, Sungmin and Yesung were called for this interview, Eunhyuk received a text message from Donghae, saying that he had arrived at the hotel they were staying at in Busan and was waiting for him in his hotel room. Donghae also said that Eunhyuk shouldn’t take so long to get to the room, because he’s tired from the bus journey to Busan and he missed him and he wanted to see him right away. In a span of twenty minutes, Eunhyuk had already memorized that text message that Donghae sent him, that’s how much that simple text message meant. But even with the simplicity of the text’s nature, it wasn’t so simple when it came to how it made Eunhyuk felt. Eunhyuk had been away from Donghae for nearly a week now and saying that it was hell on earth would be an understatement. Not being with Donghae made Eunhyuk felt so miserable, tortured with the sleepless nights which seemed to accompany him when he was feeling that way. Every single night since he arrived all he wanted was just to go back to Seoul, so that he could be with Donghae, and have a repeat of that night again, the night where Eunhyuk was convinced that things would take a turn for the better. That there was actually a light at the end of the tunnel, and end to his suffering.

That night when Eunhyuk found Donghae crying in his room, when Eunhyuk finally screamed out all of his frustration at Donghae, seemed to be the one night that he would always remember from then on. The kiss they shared that night had an uncanny resemblance to their first kiss. It was desperate, lustful, yet so patient and gentle at the same time. Yeah, to Eunhyuk things are always that magical if Donghae is involved in it. After that, they spent the remainder of the night lying on the bed, falling asleep with their arms wrapped so tightly around each other that it had upset Eunhyuk more than anything when Leeteuk woke them up the next morning, grinning from ear to ear when he saw the state his dongsaengs were in. Leeteuk had the same confidence as Eunhyuk at that time, he was sure that this was a start of something better for Eunhyuk. After all, Leeteuk had been driven to near desperation when he realized that there was nothing he could do to somehow bring Eunhyuk back to life, so when he saw the two sleeping peacefully in each other’s arms, he nearly couldn’t control the joy that took over him. Leeteuk couldn’t help it, he just loves his dongsaengs.

Eunhyuk’s overwhelming happiness was brought to a sudden halt, though, as their manager handed them their next schedules a week after that night, the first schedule that Eunhyuk received since he had been banned from group appearance as the result of him ruining Siwon’s face. Since Siwon was already out of the hospital, he and Donghae will resume their activities in Taiwan, while the rest of the band will stay in Seoul, before heading to Busan for a charity event, and by that time Siwon and Donghae will also be in Busan. It was lucky that there was nothing that could produce fire around Eunhyuk that time because he was so sure he would burn those damned papers up. He hated to see Siwon’s name back in it, and he hated it even more to see Donghae’s name in the same row as Siwon’s, meaning that they will have activities together, just the two of them. But as Eunhyuk felt a soft touch on his arm, looking up to find Donghae smiling at him, all the hatred and annoyance seemed to disappear in an instant. He couldn’t care less that when Siwon was released from the hospital later that day, he was indifferent in the way he was acting around Donghae, even when he was aware that the reason he ended up in the hospital at the first place was Eunhyuk. Eunhyuk really couldn’t give a fuck that Siwon was coming to Busan alongside Donghae, Donghae was smiling that angelic smile at him again, and that’s all that mattered.

“Eunhyuk-ah, would you quit fidgeting?” Leeteuk, who was sitting beside Eunhyuk, whispered through gritted teeth at him, visibly annoyed by the fact that Eunhyuk couldn’t seem to keep himself composed throughout the interview. Eunhyuk kept crossing and uncrossing his legs, drumming his fingers on his thigh, or leaning his back on the headrest of the sofa before sitting straight up again just a second later. Leeteuk noticed that the interviewer had started paying attention on Eunhyuk’s unusual behavior and he thought that this will not look good at all. This particular interviewer was known to be proficient in rephrasing their words and actions into something that was so far-fetched from the truth, and Leeteuk really didn’t want any more bad press at the moment. Especially after all the madness that happened when Eunhyuk nearly smashed Siwon’s face. Yes, Leeteuk was more than happy to see Eunhyuk back on good terms with Donghae, but he was acting like any other good friend and hyung at that time, whereas now… well, he was acting like a leader that he was supposed to be.

“Hyung, I really REALLY need to leave. Can I?” Leeteuk let out a small sigh at Eunhyuk’s request and realized that even though he was supposed to be his leader self that time, seeing the look on Eunhyuk’s face just melted it away. He decided he would be Eunhyuk’s hyung, and not leader, just for this one time.

“Okay fine, excuse yourself to the interviewer, just tell him you need to go to the toilet, or something.”

A wide smile appeared on Eunhyuk’s face at the permission Leeteuk had given him, and he quickly whispered ‘thanks hyung’ and excused himself from the interview, much to his delight. Eunhyuk could feel Sungmin’s burning stare as he walked out of the lounge where the interview was held, and Eunhyuk was sure that it was because of him walking out from the interview. But Sungmin should know the reason behind it, though. Eunhyuk had shown him the text from Donghae, and even though he could’ve sworn that he saw something flashed on Sungmin’s face when he showed him the text, he really couldn’t be bothered by it. Yes, he and Sungmin grew even closer than before despite the fact that they were both aware of what Sungmin was feeling for him, and Sungmin had become somewhat of a solitude for Eunhyuk whenever things get too much, but it was all about Donghae now.

Eunhyuk nearly ran towards the closest elevator he could find, the smile never faltering from face. He was going to see Donghae again. He didn’t care that the two girls in the elevator he was in had started gasping in shock upon realizing that it was indeed their beloved Eunhyuk oppa standing there in the same ground as them, he didn’t care that one of them started crying and pulling on his hand, all he could think of was Donghae, waiting in his room with that child-like smile that he always had. Eunhyuk sprinted out of the elevator as fast as his feet could take him once it opened with a soft ‘ding’ that elevators everywhere had. He saw the door with the shimmering number of 1105 and his smile grew wider, if it was even possible, pulling the keycard out of his back pocket. The little green light appeared above the door handle, signaling that the door was now unlocked. But just a second before he put his hand on the golden door handle, he felt his blood froze. He heard laughs from inside the room, he was so sure that it was Donghae’s but it sounded an awful lot like he wasn’t alone. There was another voice, there was another sound of laugh, and Eunhyuk was certain that one wasn’t Donghae.

Eunhyuk had the worst feeling in the pit of his stomach, it’s like he was being physically warned that he wasn’t gonna like what’s inside the room. But he decided to brace himself anyway. He took a deep breath, his heart feeling like it was going to damage his ribcage from the way it was beating really fast, and pushed the door open.

Eunhyuk felt like someone just sucked his very soul out of him.

There they were.

Donghae. The love of his life, his other half, his breath, his happiness, his everything.

With Siwon.

Caught up in a heated kiss.

Clearly naked.

Tangled in the mess of sheets that gathered around them.

Not even noticing that Eunhyuk was there.

Eunhyuk tried to swallow, but he couldn’t seem to get rid of the unfamiliar lump that formed in his throat out of nowhere. His fingers started twitching, still not letting go of the door handle, couldn’t even find the strength to do so. Although his gut feeling was screaming, pleading for him to just run away, run far away from that place to save what little sanity he had left, his feet seemed to have been rooted on that spot, his eyes fixed on the view more gruesome than anything he had ever seen in his entire life. He drew a sharp breath as a single drop of tear fell on his cheek.

And that’s when Eunhyuk knew.

Lee Hyukjae had died.

And something else emerged.

It was like an out-of-body experience for Eunhyuk, or whoever was there occupying the shell that was Eunhyuk. The whole thing seemed to be happening from a third point of view. He saw himself slammed the door open, effectively making the couple on the bed jumped from shock. He saw himself walking slowly towards them, as they started scrambling around and gathering the pieces of their clothing that were strewn across the room, hastily putting them back on. It was like another power was controlling everything he was doing. He knew he was the one doing it, yet it felt foreign at the same time.

“You. Get out before I make you beg for your life.”

The slight shake on his voice made Eunhyuk realize it was still him after all, but the coldness of it wasn’t like him at all. Unlike his bold and brave self when Eunhyuk threatened to kill him before, this time Siwon just cowered and quickly fled the scene faster than anything. Even he, someone who never found anything to be afraid of, was scared of the Eunhyuk that was standing in that room at that time. Physically, he was Eunhyuk, but the look in his eyes that were a few shades darker than usual, told Siwon that he wasn’t.

As Eunhyuk heard the door slam shut, his legs gave away and he dropped on his knees onto the floor, feeling so immobilized from the pain.

“Oh god, Donghae, oh god, oh god, oh god.”

Donghae stood still, a torn look on his face as he watched his supposed lover on the floor, repeatedly crying out for his god that just seemed to have decided that it was the right time to ignore his cries for him.

“Why did you do it, Hae?”

Eunhyuk finally asked, although he knew that he would never be prepared for whatever Donghae would say. But he wanted to know. He needed to know.

“Siwon loves me. I don’t need you anymore.”

The world stopped. It just did. At least that’s how it was for Eunhyuk. It was like a scene out of some poorly edited film when flashes of everything he had gone through with Donghae started appearing in his thoughts. Slowly at first, catching every single moment between them, the first time they looked at each other, the first time they smiled at each other, the first time they held each other’s hand, the first time they promised that nothing would ever come between them. As the memory went into details, it went faster, faster, faster, and faster until Eunhyuk couldn’t even grasp any of them at all. He dared himself to look at Donghae, and realized how utterly fucked up it was that even after all of this, Donghae was still the one he loved, the one who swore that he would always belong to Eunhyuk, no matter what the circumstances are. And that’s what he held on to.

Eunhyuk stood up, dragged his feet towards the object that just seemed like the only way out of this mess. For the past few months, even though he said that he’d always belong to Eunhyuk, Donghae had came and went as he pleased, and Eunhyuk knew that it’s time to put an end to that. If Donghae said Eunhyuk was the only one who had ever owned him, then he would do just what it takes to make it come true.

Eunhyuk picked up the medium-sized knife from the table and stared at it in amusement, not knowing why on earth it was there at the first place. But it didn’t matter anymore, right? He was going to put it into good use anyway, why inquire about the manner by which it came?

All colours seemed to have been drained from Donghae’s face when he saw what Eunhyuk had in his hand as he made his way towards Donghae. But even so, a small smile crept its way into Donghae’s face. Everything’s gonna end really soon. He didn’t know how, but he just knew it would. E _ven the fiercest roller coaster ride will eventually end, right? Right?_ Donghae was hoping the answer was a yes.

They were standing face to face now, Donghae’s back against the wall, both were expressionless. Eunhyuk brought his hand up to Donghae’s face, gently stroking the skin. Ah, he would miss it so much.

“If you said you’ll always belong to me, then you will. If you said that nothing will ever come between us, then nothing will. You are mine, Hae, only mine. And that’s how it’s gonna be until the end.”

And with that, Eunhyuk gripped the handle of the knife, and pushed the blade deep inside Donghae’s abdomen.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 


	8. And I Breathe No More...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And I breathe… I breathe… I breathe no more…

 

 

  ** _And I breathe… I breathe… I breathe no more…_**

 

Eunhyuk was surprised. Oh yes, he was. He was surprised at how easy it was for him to accept the fact that soaking his own hand with Donghae’s blood was the perfect solution for everything. That way, he didn’t have to endure watching Donghae slipping away from his hands only to be welcomed with another pair. Siwon’s hands.

No, he did not want that to happen and he would do everything in his power not to let that happen. He could not fathom seeing someone else replacing him in being with Donghae. The thought of anyone else other than him touching Donghae alone had been enough to unleash an uncontrollable need to slash someone’s throat open just for the hell of it.

Maybe that was why Eunhyuk chose to do this. Maybe that was the only thing left to do to make sure that Donghae will remain his. Now no one will take him away, no one will ever try to lay claim on Donghae because Eunhyuk had erased that option away when he felt Donghae’s warm blood seeped from beneath the fabric of his shirt and trickled lazily on to Eunhyuk’s hand.

 Eunhyuk could see life slowly leaving the used-to-be warm chocolate orbs that belonged to Donghae as he pulled the knife out. But once again, to Eunhyuk’s surprise, he felt no sense of farewell at all when he witnessed all that happening. He was the one who took that liveliness away from Donghae’s eyes, he was the one who made the decision. So there really was no need for a useless goodbye. The sweet angelic Donghae was already a part of him anyway, he was just getting rid of his evil twin brother.

How Eunhyuk only realized that now after everything came to this malicious end had left him wondering. How he failed to see the contradiction in Donghae all this time was just like a puzzle that he had no idea how to complete. Eunhyuk had always seen Donghae as a whole, whether it be his innocent and playful old self, or the heartless mutherfucker he had become, he had no idea how to split those two apart.

Eunhyuk let Donghae’s body fell limply onto the floor, not even bothering to check the state that Donghae was in. What was he supposed to do with someone that he was pretty sure had left this pathetic vain world?

Taking a few slow steps towards the mirror, Eunhyuk realized that his breathing wasn’t labored anymore, his heart wasn’t beating irregularly anymore. He felt as if he was, strangely, at peace. Which begged for another question to arise, ‘how should one act when he had consciously and deliberately taken someone’s life?’

Should he be feeling some sort of nervousness creeping in? Knowing that someone would find this out eventually? Should he be feeling depressed? Given the fact that he would no longer feel Donghae’s warmth beside him every time he sleeps? See him smile again?

But those, in Eunhyuk’s eyes, were merely options. Options that he would not take. Options that he would not let himself feel. Eunhyuk stopped walking as he found himself standing in front of the mirror, carefully studying his appearance, taking in every single detail of the man staring right back at him.

His eyes were hollow, staring ahead as if he was staring at an endless ocean, not really sure of what they were looking for. His clothes were now stained with the dark crimson colour from the blood, as was his hand that was holding on to the knife like it was the rosary. And he couldn’t help but ask himself.   

“How did we end up like this?”, Eunhyuk whispered softly to himself as he stared intently at his reflection on the tall mirror adorning the hotel room’s wall. That eerie silence was the only sound that was present as the agonizingly cold night progressed.

Eunhyuk turned around, his back facing the mirror. He really couldn’t stand to look at that man in the mirror for another second. As the lifeless body of his lover lying on the floor came into his vision, he immediately felt sick to his stomach as the reality of what he had done finally sunk its teeth mercilessly into his very soul.

But he was feeling calm, despite the constricting feeling of nausea that seared through his gut as he took slow steps back towards Donghae’s body. The knife he had been holding, blood dripping from the tip of the blade, suddenly felt like it was welded into his hand from how hard he was gripping it.

As he stood over the body of a man that he was once so sure he couldn’t live without, he really couldn’t think of any form of answer to his own question. He dropped the knife, causing it to make high-pitched clanging noise as it hit the marble-tiled floor.

He sat on his knees beside the body, his dark brown eyes carefully scanning the contours of that beautiful face. He was sure that he had never seen a man as beautiful as the one lying before him. That mouth, the one that always devoured his with such hunger, was now slightly agape with blood trickling from its side.

To him, it was still such a pretty sight, and he couldn’t help himself but to want to feel that mouth on his again. And he did just that, tasting a little bit of the blood in the process.

“I love you, Hae, I do. But you made me do this.”

Those words came so effortlessly out of Eunhyuk’s mouth, as he wondered to himself, asking the same question over and over again, ‘how did we end up like this?’.

However, what Eunhyuk thought was the end as he examined Donghae’s body closely, came to a screeching halt. It literally looked like a scene out of some cheap slasher movie, where the villain suddenly sprang back into life even though the protagonist had stabbed him multiple times with the sole intention of murdering the villain.

Donghae slowly opened his eyes, coughing blood right away as he tried to draw air into his nearly malfunctioning lungs. Eunhyuk was lost in his own confusion to truly acknowledge what was happening. He was almost sure that he had diminished Donghae’s chance at living when he stabbed him once, twice, or maybe three times, Eunhyuk wasn’t really sure. So why…?

“Hyukkie… I won’t… I won’t blame you for… for this.”

Eunhyuk knew that Donghae was damn near dying when it looked like it took every last bit of strength that he had left to say that. But… what was he seeing? At that moment, surprising him to the very core, Eunhyuk saw the innocence started clouding Donghae’s eyes. It was… it was how Donghae always looked at him before… before all this fucked up situation started happening. And all of a sudden, Eunhyuk saw that the man lying there was… was the old Donghae. HIS Donghae.

That’s when Eunhyuk knew something wasn’t right.

Despite his struggle with breathing, what with the blood that didn’t seem to stop choking him, Donghae somehow managed to smile, and beckoned for Eunhyuk to come closer to him. Still numbed by the shock, Eunhyuk mindlessly did what Donghae wanted him to do. He brought his face closer to Donghae’s, as Donghae shakily brought his palm to rest on Eunhyuk’s cheek.

“My angel… my soulmate… I had given… my life up to you. You have every… right… to do what you did. And I’ll love you… until… until the end.”

Eunhyuk still couldn’t find it in him to come up with any form of reply to what Donghae had confessed, obviously on the edge of his death. And as Donghae coughed up even more blood, desperately trying to hold on to his already fading life, he uttered one final word.

“Letter.”

And as Donghae closed his eyes, with the smile still painted on his beautiful face, Eunhyuk was sure that Donghae was gone. For good. But this time the realization came with something else. Even that close to his death, Donghae still made it a point to let Eunhyuk knew that he loved him, showing him that despite the awful mess that is their relationship, one thing never changed. The love itself.

But then, Eunhyuk thought, why did Donghae had to choose this moment, out of everything, to finally tell him that he still loved him? And why did he have to see a glimpse of Donghae’s old self just before he finally greeted his death? Why? Why? Why?

Donghae’s last word finally hit Eunhyuk. Letter. What the hell does that supposed to mean? But just as Eunhyuk thought of that question, the answer almost immediately presented itself. He quickly stood up, scanning the room quickly and there it was, lying on the nightstand, a white envelope that stood out from the dark wooden colour the nightstand had.

And as he staggered towards the letter, hands shaking and cold sweat forming on his forehead, he suddenly had the worst gut-feeling that he wasn’t gonna like what’s in that letter. Just because of how he hadn’t noticed it when it obviously had been there since he came, and how Donghae chose to let Eunhyuk know about it just split seconds before he died.

Eunhyuk picked up the white envelope, which only had “Hyukkie” scribbled on it in Donghae’s hand writing that he knew so well, and took out what’s inside. It took him a couple seconds to finally focus his blurry vision into the hand-written letter, and he began reading. There were parts of the letter that seemed smudged, almost like… Donghae was crying when he wrote it.

 

_“Hyukkie, this may sound extremely cliché, but by the time you get this letter I probably won’t be around anymore. I would most likely be on my way to leaving somewhere where you can’t find me. Which I probably should have done a long time ago. Or maybe, I would be lying somewhere, fighting for my life, because you decided that I don’t even deserve to live after what I did to you. How do I know this, you ask? Well, you still remember that night where we got drunk and ended up staying on the rooftop for the whole night? That night I had asked you, what would you do if someday I decided that I don’t wanna be with you anymore and choose someone else? And your answer was that you probably would rather see me dead than be with someone other than you. Yes, we had laughed about it that night but I knew you weren’t joking at all. And I honestly had no problem with that, because I would rather be dead too than to ever leave your side. I don’t know how I could ever live without you. I don’t know how to picture myself loving someone else other than you, or someone else loving me other than you. To even think that those things could happen scared me to death, Hyukkie. And maybe that’s where I went wrong._

_I had become selfish. I only want you for myself and I was blind to the fact that you deserve more than I could ever give you. Let’s be honest, your family only loved me because they thought I was just your best friend. You never did tell them what we actually are, right? Can you imagine how heart-broken your mother and father will be to know that their only son chose another guy to spend his life with? I can. And that’s something that I never want to happen. I saw the sparks of excitement in your mother’s eyes when she told me that she just couldn’t wait to see you meet a wonderful girl, get married, and have a lovely family together. And I cried myself to sleep later that night, knowing that I was the one keeping all those things from happening. Yes, I knew you also played your part in it, but I just felt like if I hadn’t been so selfish, those things might actually happen. And your family will get their wish after all, and you would be happy, because that’s the life that you should have. As much as I love you, no matter how hard I try, I could never give you that. I could never give you the future you deserve._

_But even after I realized this, I knew that you wouldn’t just accept it when I told you about all those things. If there’s one thing that I knew about you, Lee Hyukjae, is that you are stubborn. You only see what you want to see and you’ll only believe what you wanna believe, and that would never change no matter what people do to you. You would not let me leave you just like that, you would put up a fight, you would do everything you can to make sure that wouldn’t happen. And really, I should be happy to know that, but it only meant that you would make it harder for yourself to see that I’m just not the one you should be with._

_So I tried being cold, I tried being distant, I tried being the worst possible boyfriend just so you can see that I don’t deserve you but you… you stayed. You endured everything I did to you although I know it was slowly killing you. I know you suddenly had trouble sleeping, those endless bottles of sleeping pills that you brought home with you were kind of hard to miss. You were drinking even more than you used to, you even… you even start cutting yourself. I was crying uncontrollably when I first saw the scar on your arm. You disconnected yourself emotionally from the world, you stop caring about our career, about our brothers. I saw those things happening and you probably don’t know this, but I was suffering as much as you were. I don’t know how many nights I spent crying, feeling like I want to take my own life when I think about  the horrible things I put you through. But I knew I had to be strong, I had to keep doing this so in the end you’ll see the bigger picture and realize that you’re better off without me._

_But then I also had my moments of weakness. There are times when the pain of trying to let you go just became unbearable and you’re the only one who can make me feel better. So I pulled you back to me again, or I ran back to you again, only to realize that I was actually ruining everything I worked so hard for by doing that, making all my efforts of staying away from you became completely useless. I am so sorry, Hyukkie. I am so sorry to confuse you. I am so sorry to hurt you. I am so sorry for being so weak. I am so sorry that I am such a coward and I can’t tell you these things to your face. I am so sorry for loving you too much to know that if I ever cared about you at all, I shouldn’t even let us be together at the first place, I shouldn’t have kissed you that night when we were eighteen. Yes, I still remember it. 6 years, 3 months, 2 weeks, and 4 days ago was the first time that we ever kissed. And the moment I knew that I had fallen in love with you._

_Well, I guess… by the time you read this, everything would be over. Now you’re free, my angel, you’re free to build your own future, you’re free to do everything you couldn’t do because stupid little me was weighing you down, holding your wings down so you couldn’t truly fly away. I am glad that I had the most wonderful experience to have you in my life, to know what it feels like to be loved by such an incredible angel. I would never forget everything we had gone through, I would never forget you. When I said that I would love you forever, I meant it. Even the word forever doesn’t seem like long enough to describe the span of time that I would always love you. Stay safe, please be happy again._

_Love you forever and always… “_

_Donghae_

 

 The piece of paper fell onto the floor, as Eunhyuk’s arms fell limply to his side, his body losing all kinds of power, his mind refusing to think properly. Without him realizing it, tears began falling freely on to his cheeks. Suddenly Eunhyuk could piece everything together. The changes in Donghae, the times where he seemed like the world’s biggest prick but changed back into his old self every once in awhile.

Everything was just pretend. Everything was a lie, specially created to give Eunhyuk a reason to leave Donghae, specially created to tear them apart. Eunhyuk felt his legs gave away as he fell, his knees landing with a soft thud on the marble-tiled floor. The lump in his throat refusing to go away as the cruel realization finally hit him.

Now that everything had become clear to him, all Eunhyuk could think of was ‘what have I done?’. He stood back up, walking as quickly as possible towards Donghae’s lifeless body, as if he was forcing himself to believe that by doing that it will help bringing Donghae back to life.

But as Eunhyuk sat beside Donghae’s body, crying so hard until he couldn’t see straight, the knot in his stomach tightening, he knew everything was too late.

“Wake up, Hae, wake up. Wake up, you fucking coward, don’t you fucking dare leave me, wake up!!”

Eunhyuk gripped the fabric of Donghae’s shirt tightly in his hands, shaking his body with all his might, screaming, delusional enough to think that Donghae would actually wake up if he shook him hard enough, scream at him loud enough. But Donghae’s body stayed limp, lifeless as ever, refusing to acknowledge Eunhyuk ‘s desperate pleas.

“You fuckin Mr. Know-It-All, how the fuck can you decide what’s best for me, who the fuck do you think you are?!! God, I fucking hate you right now, Hae, I hate you!! I fucking hate you!! Oh my god, I… I love you. Please come back, please.”

All that Eunhyuk was feeling came out like it was the biggest contradiction there is. He hated Donghae for keeping all of this for him, he hated him for single-handedly deciding that they should not be together. But the saddest part of it all was that Eunhyuk knew Donghae won’t come back. He’s gone.

After what seemed like forever, Eunhyuk’s cries finally subsided. He had been lying beside Donghae’s body, grazing his fingers on Donghae’s cheek, feeling how cold it was underneath the warmth that was radiating from his own fingers. He then took Donghae’s hand in his as his gaze fell onto the ceiling, trying to retrace the moments leading up to this whole havoc, wondering when in those moments that he should’ve been able to stop.

If he had that power, if he had that kind of self-restraint, Donghae would probably still be alive by now. And he would not feel like he had lost all sense of willingness to continue on living. He could not understand why in that letter Donghae had asked him to be happy again. How could he? How could he possibly be happy without Donghae around? He even wished that he hadn’t found the letter, that Donghae didn’t have any strength left to say that last word, so he would never know that the letter existed, and he can keep on hating Donghae peacefully, not regretting what he did.

Now… what’s left for him to do? Go out there and continue to live? Be happy again as Donghae said he should? Continue to live and be happy could not be more contradicting to Eunhyuk. He could continue to live, but he knew he wouldn’t be happy. Donghae wouldn’t be with him anymore. Or maybe he could be happy? And that means being where Donghae is.

Eunhyuk felt foolish as he contemplated those two options. The answer is clear, it was ridiculous for him to even contemplate between those two. He looked to his side, and saw that the knife was only half a foot away from his right hand. He grabbed it, and with not much reservation, he slashed the knife on his left wrist. It already began to bleed profusely as he passed the knife to his left hand, and did the same thing to his right wrist, wondering how on earth he could physically do that.

But he did, nonetheless, and now he was laying there beside Donghae, blood flowing from both his wrists. As he felt his body grew cold and numb from the loss of blood, he turned his head and came face to face with Donghae, smiling.

“I did what you said, Hae. Now we’d be together. And I would be happy again.”

Eunhyuk’s eyes started fluttering shut as he slowly felt life living his frail body, his senses gradually losing their awareness. He couldn’t tell if it was real as he faintly heard the door being broken down, and a second later Sungmin had ran towards him, crouched over his body and Hae’s body, repeatedly whispering ‘oh my god, oh my god’.

“Hyukkie-ah, please hold on, please, don’t you dare let go, love, don’t you dare.”

Did Sungmin really just say that? Eunhyuk just couldn’t be sure anymore. He was just exhausted. He couldn’t possibly hold on like Sungmin told him to, he had no power left to do so. And as Eunhyuk let his eyes slipped shut, a small smile gracing his lips, he thought to himself, so this is what dying feels like.

 

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	9. Epilogue: Oh What A Tangled Web We Weave

 

 

#  _“Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive”_

**(Sir Walter Scott)**

 

 

Sungmin sat up on his bed, covered in cold sweat, his heart hammering away in his chest, abruptly woken up from what little amount of sleep he just had. He turned his head to look at the digital clock that sat on the nightstand, squinting his eyes a little as he adjusted them to the contrasting bright red numbers on the clock and the darkness that surrounded it. He softly cursed as he realized that it hadn’t even been an hour since he fell asleep. He let out a desperate sigh and ran his fingers through his damp hair, the delicate fingers putting a little more pressure as he attempted to softly massage his head, half-hoping that it was enough to keep the horrible dreams from ever appearing again. One corner of Sungmin’s mouth turned upwards into a cynical half-smile as he realized how childish his wish was. Something as insignificant as a little pressure on his head won’t be enough to keep the dreams away. At this point, Sungmin was pretty sure that he had to completely crush his head, and eventually his brains, if he ever wanted those dreams to be completely gone.

It was always the same damn dream every single night for the past two years, and it was always there. Not one night goes by without that dream creeping at Sungmin’s much-needed sleep menacingly, eating away at what little peace of mind he had left. But then again, after witnessing the things that happened two years ago, Sungmin would be surprised if he still had a peace of mind. And he began to wonder whether he had truly recovered from that.

Sungmin still remembered exactly how he felt that day, when Eunhyuk walked out of the interview, no doubt to go see Donghae. Eunhyuk had showed him the text just before they started the interview, and he remembered how his fingers and the corners of his mouth seemed to involuntarily twitch as his eyes briefly scanned the contents of the text, how he just couldn’t take his eyes off Eunhyuk as he left the suite to meet Donghae, how his insides seemed to be doing all sorts of crazy zig zag maneuver.

After the interview was over, and Eunhyuk was still going MIA, Sungmin just had the worst gut feeling that something wasn’t right. He was right on the money. It was like something out of the most unrealistic nightmare when Sungmin walked into a room and he saw the bodies of two of his friends, one of them he had loved more than just a friend for so long, lying in their own pool of blood. And that was when he knew… everything had gone too far and he couldn’t help it.

Ever since that night, even though it was two years ago, the memory of everything that happened had permanently latched on to Sungmin, whether he wanted to or not, and it had manifested itself into that dream. The dream that invaded his slumber every single night, forcing him to see Eunhyuk and Donghae laying side by side, blood everywhere, over and over and over again. Sungmin just knew that he was never going to be the same again. And ever since then, he never had even only one night of blissful and careless sleep. No, Sungmin was pretty sure that a careless, dreamless sleep was something that he would never get to experience again. He was damaged beyond repair, and he knew it.

No matter how much those doctors and therapists were trying to convince him that he would be okay eventually, and that those dreams would disappear in time if only he was willing to make peace with it, Sungmin was aware that they only said that because they had never experienced what he had experienced. They had never done what he had done.

“Minnie, is it that dream again?”

A small smile was immediately present in Sungmin’s face as he turned his head towards Eunhyuk, who was slowly starting to sit up beside him and rubbing his eyes with his fingers, trying to get the haziness of sleep away. Sungmin brought his hand to Eunhyuk’s face and softly ran his fingers on his smooth and flawless cheek, careful not to miss touching his prominent jaw line, something that he had always loved about Eunhyuk. The jaws that would always clenched tightly whenever he was angry, and Sungmin just couldn’t get over how sexy it made him look, even though he knew that Eunhyuk wouldn’t want to hear that especially since he was angry.

“Yeah, it is. I thought you’d be used to that by now.”

Eunhyuk frowned at what Sungmin said, not quite understanding why his boyfriend thought that it was normal for him to be woken up every night because of the same dream and therefore he could only get a maximum of an hour of sleep every night. It worried him so much that Sungmin was now the one who had to suffer… from what Eunhyuk had done. It was two years ago yet it felt like it only happened yesterday to Eunhyuk, the day where his best friend and the person he loved more than anything died by his own hands.

That night, Eunhyuk was pretty sure he had died. But then he woke up in a hospital room, Sungmin fast asleep on a chair beside his hospital bed. As if on cue, Sungmin quickly woke up, just a few seconds after Eunhyuk had, and rushed to his bedside, covering Eunhyuk’s mouth his palm. Sungmin didn’t give him a chance to speak, to ask about why he was still alive when he remembered exactly that he had the full intention of committing suicide because he didn’t have any idea to live without Donghae.

Instead, Sungmin spoke quickly about how he thought Eunhyuk didn’t deserve to die, and that Donghae deserved every thing that happened to him because he was selfish, because he couldn’t man up and told Eunhyuk everything. And that was also why Sungmin even orchestrated the scene of the blood bath that Eunhyuk and Donghae was at to make it look like Donghae was the one initiating the attack and Eunhyuk was simply the mere victim who had been at the wrong place and the wrong time. That was the lie that Sungmin told the police and pretty much everybody who inquired him about what happened, that Donghae was the guilt-ridden man who couldn’t stand knowing that he had taken away Eunhyuk’s chance at a normal life so he decided to commit suicide. That Eunhyuk found him and tried to stop him from doing so, but instead he was the one who got hurt when Donghae was still determined to take his own life, and that’s what he did in the end.

To this day, Eunhyuk was still surprised at how Sungmin managed to pull that off, to completely got him out of that tight spot, making him look completely innocent in that whole thing. It also surprised him that Sungmin went to such great lengths for him, all the while letting it show that whatever Sungmin was feeling for him hadn’t changed and only got stronger each day. And little by little, his mindset was altered. The more Sungmin told him that Donghae was entitled to what was coming to him, and that Eunhyuk was too precious to die or to spend his life being tortured over what happened, the more he believed it.

Sungmin was there when he woke up for the first time in the hospital, Sungmin was the one holding his hand throughout the grueling trials where he stood as a witness, reminding him of what to say and what to do so that his story pieced together with what Sungmin had told the police. And when Super Junior and the whole management company had to do a press conference, announcing their disbandment because they were too broken up to even consider continuing the band after Donghae’s death, Sungmin’s arms were the one Eunhyuk was crying in. Sungmin was the one driving him to all of his therapist’s appointment, assisting every single one of Eunhyuk’s effort to get better and to put everything behind him. Slowly, Sungmin was becoming Eunhyuk’s life, and eventually his lover.

Seeing the frown that Eunhyuk was supporting after what he said, Sungmin smiled soothingly at Eunhyuk before kissing him on the temple softly, relishing every single moment of it. To Sungmin, if there was one good thing that came out of the mess that happened two years ago, it was Eunhyuk finally realizing that Sungmin was the one for him. That was all he needed. After all, Eunhyuk was the reason why everything turned out this way.

“I’ll be having another appointment with my therapist tomorrow, maybe that will result in something good, right, baby?”

Sungmin only laughed lightly when Eunhyuk just shrugged his shoulders hearing what he said. Eunhyuk didn’t quite believe it, Sungmin had gone to at least six different therapists in the past year and none of them seemed to have any idea about how to fix Sungmin’s problem.

“Hey, why don’t you go back to sleep, you got work tomorrow right?”

Eunhyuk let out a sigh and decided that Sungmin was right, he needed the sleep anyway.

“Fine. Just try to at least put in more sleep, okay?”

Sungmin nodded at Eunhyuk’s little demand, still with the smile on his face, and he could only watch as Eunhyuk lay back down on the bed and closed his eyes. When he was pretty sure Eunhyuk had fallen back to sleep, he carefully got off the bed and exited the bedroom, heading towards the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee. He saw no point in trying to get back to sleep cause he knew he would stay awake for the whole night no matter what he did.

He flipped the light switch on in the kitchen, and began fixing himself a cup of strong black coffee. Just as he was about to walk back towards the lounge area, he caught his reflection on the little mirror situated in the hallway. He realized that he looked… emaciated. He had lost so much weight in the past two years that the people around him now barely recognized him. He had always looked so fresh, built, and so full of life but now… it’s like he was a completely different person.

He sat on the sofa, cradling the cup of hot coffee in his hand. He felt the heat radiating from the cup and he realized that it began to burn his palm, but he was too lost in his own thoughts to acknowledge it. He should’ve been happy, he should’ve been completely ecstatic that Eunhyuk, the man that he had fallen in love with since their first meeting was now his, only his. He should’ve been completely over the moon that the plan he worked on for so long and so meticulously just succeeded without him doing much of anything.

He had always told Eunhyuk that Donghae deserved every single thing that came to him, he out of all people believed that more than anything. It just wasn’t fair. He saw Eunhyuk first, he could even bet everything he owned that he had fallen in love with Eunhyuk long before Donghae had, so why? Why out of all people, Eunhyuk chose Donghae? He always knew that Donghae just wasn’t the one Eunhyuk was supposed to be with, Donghae was far too delicate, far too sensitive for someone as strong and determined as Eunhyuk. Why was he the only one who could see this?

When he found out that Eunhyuk and Donghae were together it was probably one of the worst days of his life, and that was when he promised himself that Eunhyuk would be his, no matter what it would take, no matter how long he would have to wait for the chance to make it come true. Although for him to actually went that far to make sure he kept that promise still surprised him until that day.

He stayed true to himself, he waited and kept his eye on every chance that might came up. He became both Eunhyuk and Donghae’s confidant in the process, he witnessed every single thing that happened throughout their relationship, he knew about every single kiss, every single love confession, every single passionate love-making, and as masochistic as it may sound, he took everything in because he was sure at one point or another, there would also be a story about their fight.

Every time that came up, the small flicker of hope in him just sprang into life. He told himself, maybe this was it, maybe this would be the fight that broke them apart. But that never happened. No matter how much Eunhyuk and Donghae fought, they always somehow managed to find their way back to each other, and that disgusted him more than anything. He put up that act for almost the entire time that Donghae was with Eunhyuk. Yes, he waited for six long damned years.

And then one day, when he was near to being desperate, Siwon suddenly came to him, crying because he thought he might be feeling something more than just friendly love towards… none other than Donghae. The poor guy was so confused and in denial about his own sexuality, stating the typical fact that he was supposedly straight and that he was a devoted Christian and he shouldn’t even feel that way towards another guy but then he couldn’t help himself that he was slowly falling in love with Donghae. And it was like somebody lit the fire back inside of Sungmin. He thought that was probably the chance he had been waiting for.

Just a few days after that, Sungmin nearly couldn’t contain himself and almost jumped out of joy when Donghae also came to him, looking depressed after his first meeting with Eunhyuk’s parents, saying stuffs about how wrong it felt for him to be dating Eunhyuk when his parents clearly wanted their son to marry a nice girl and quickly settle down. And that was when Sungmin’s role as the puppet master in all that mess began. He began talking with Donghae, slowly and carefully taking his time in convincing Donghae that leaving Eunhyuk was the right thing to do, even giving him advice about how to make Eunhyuk saw that too.

It was easy, way too easy for Sungmin. He laughed to himself as he remembered how everything just fell into place perfectly. How Siwon’s confession and Donghae’s frustration came up almost at the same time and how he was the one they came to. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was. So he began talking to Siwon, and eventually convinced him that it was okay to be in love with Donghae, and how it was even more okay if he wanted to follow what his feelings told him to do and began pursuing Donghae. Sungmin told him that Donghae was going to break up with Eunhyuk anyway because Donghae couldn’t stand how nagging and needy Eunhyuk was and he was actually looking for a way to shake Eunhyuk off.

Donghae was a lot harder to convince. He had been with Eunhyuk for so long that it took Sungmin more effort to make him see what he had managed to get Siwon to see, that Sungmin’s words were the truth they needed to come to terms with. And to Sungmin’s surprise, Donghae believed him, and he began trying to come up with his own ways so that Eunhyuk left him. When Sungmin heard this, it took everything in him not to laugh out loud from the sheer euphoria that took over him. Every. Single. Thing. Was. Fuckin. Easy. That’s what Sungmin had in mind. He was banking on how he knew that people in love were fools. He should know all about that, he had spent the last six years obsessing over Eunhyuk after all, even though Eunhyuk was Donghae’s from day one.

There were times where Donghae came to him again, telling him it was too hard and that he probably could never bring himself to leave Eunhyuk completely and Sungmin nearly slapped Donghae in the face when he said that. No, he couldn’t come this close just to have everything ruined again because Donghae was being the child he was and couldn’t stick to his own plans. Of course he didn’t do that, all he had to do was just being the pretentious angel that he was and convinced Donghae again that that wasn’t the way it supposed to go.

But never… never had Sungmin prepared himself for what had happened that night two years ago. He knew that Donghae and Eunhyuk were complete fools for each other, he just never knew that they were THAT foolish. And the result of everything that happened that night and everything that followed after was where he was right now, sitting alone and burning his own hand with the heat from the coffee cup, not having a proper sleep for the past two years because of the dreams, being just a placeholder for Eunhyuk to channel his sadness from losing Donghae.

Sungmin began laughing at himself, louder, louder, louder, until he was full on laughing hysterically. If his conscience had a voice, it would probably say, “Karma’s a bitch”. Oh how true those words were. He managed to get rid of Donghae, but it seemed like even after his death, he was suddenly everywhere. How Sungmin knew this, you ask? Well, it’s because as oblivious Eunhyuk was at his own grief of losing Donghae, his actions couldn’t lie. On more than one occasion, Eunhyuk had called Sungmin with ‘Hae’ without even realizing that he had said that name. And Sungmin couldn’t bring himself to count the number of times Eunhyuk screamed Donghae’s name during sex, no, that was just too much.

As Sungmin’s laughter subsided, he wiped the tears from his eyes and whispered to himself,

“Aahh, Lee Donghae, you stupid stupid man. Why the fuck would you let me convince you with your equally stupid plans to make Hyukkie leave you?”

Suddenly there was a loud crash. And Sungmin turned his head to the right, finding Eunhyuk standing near the sofa he was sitting on, face filled with horror and tears running down his cheeks as the shards of glass from the broken cup had spread on the floor around his feet. Sungmin felt his heart stopped. He couldn’t’ve heard everything… right?

“Minnie… tell me this isn’t true, tell me I didn’t kill Donghae because of what you told him to do. Please, Minnie, tell me you’re lying.”

Sungmin’s hysterical laughing filled the room again. He really couldn’t see a way out of this now. He stood up from the sofa and threw the cup he was holding towards the wall. The cup immediately shattered from the impact.

“I am not lying, love, not lying at all. You had better believe me when I said that your good-for-nothing boyfriend Lee fucking Donghae is dead because of me, and because you are just too fucking stupid to see that I was in love with you since day one!!!! Yeah, that’s why Donghae’s dead, because you and him are too fucking oblivious that I had spent 6 useless years waiting for the both of you to realize that I FUCKING EXIST! And that I fucking love you, more than Donghae, more than anyone had ever loved you!!”

Sungmin turned around and walked towards the glass sliding doors leading towards the balcony, intending to waste the night away there, not even caring about the petrified Eunhyuk standing in front of him. But the reflection he was seeing on the glass door terrified him more than anything.

Sungmin was pretty sure that it had been Eunhyuk standing there in front of the glass doors just before he turned around. But the reflection on the glass door was… no, it couldn’t be. Sungmin was so sure that he was seeing things because he hadn’t had enough sleep. He’s dead, that reflection couldn’t’ve been him. That was what Sungmin kept telling himself, yet Donghae kept staring back at him from that glass door. Sungmin turned around and saw that the one standing there was indeed Donghae. How was that even possible?

But then he blinked, and Eunhyuk was there again, still with those tears on his beautiful face. Sungmin blinked again, and Donghae was back. Blinked again, Eunhyuk was there. Blinked again, Donghae was there. One corner of Sungmin’s mouth turned upwards into a sly smile, finally getting what that meant.

“I understand, Hae.”

“Minnie, what… what the hell are you doing?”

Eunhyuk didn’t even have the chance to stop Sungmin when he quickly slid open the glass doors, walked towards the balcony of their condo in the 16th floor… and jumped off of it.

And as the wind blew around him when Sungmin swiftly fell towards the earth, he took one last look at the face staring down at him from the balcony that was his. It should’ve been Eunhyuk he was seeing, but instead Donghae was the one staring at him, his innocent smile painted on that face.

Sungmin knew he made the right decision, he knew a place where he would be away from Donghae, even if it meant also being away from Eunhyuk.

In his death.

 

FIN

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**Author's Note:**

> Comments are highly appreciated! ^^


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